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I have bought around 20 of Dell's "new" Latitude E-series notebooks, ranging from the 12" E4200 to the 14" E6400 (ATG as well), as hardware upgrades to the machine park where I work. They are good looking machines, and potentially excellent companions as well, but we have experienced a range of errors from the horrifying Windows BSODs/STOP errors to software bugs decreasing performance that made me very uneasy about keeping my job. Luckily, there are solutions! If you have run into the same problems listed below, you may also have found that Dell's support technicians have been rather reluctant to admit there's something wrong with their products. The trouble I've experienced so far, running Windows XP Professional SP3;

• 0xFE USB_BUGCODE_DRIVER STOP ERROR (BSOD) 
• Machines refusing to boot when power adapter is plugged in 
• Network connections taking 5-20 minutes to resolve (Wifi & LAN) 
• Worthless SIM cards installed in WWAN connector 
• .. and more, less serious bugs! 

Truth of the matter is, regardless of what support tells you, there was an ENGINEER HALT of the production of the 13.1" E4300 model early January this year. This is according to an internal send-to-all e-mail disclosing hardware failure in the motherboards of this particular model. If you bought a Latitude E4300 prior to 15-20th of January 2009 you are probably entitled to a free motherboard exchange. According to support, this is the cause of the power-boot failure. They also recommended disabling Boot on AC in the BIOS, but it was disabled by default.

This whole process made me a bit shaky about the stability of the other models (E4200 and E6400) in terms of hardware, 'cause we were seeing several BSODs a week, and I didn't order anything else from Dell for a while. I found it a bit weird that they didn't write anything on their homepage about this, or sent out e-mails to their business partners. In the meantime I was troubleshooting it as a bug with Dell's advanced E-port port replicator, which was ultimately proven false.

This went on until one of our researchers had a serious HDD crash in the field, loosing two weeks' valuable data from her E6400. The BIOS reported 'No bootable device' and didn't detect the HDD at all. Usually such a sudden death of a disk is due to a power surge or simply a wipe of the partition table, the latter a very easy problem to fix. But this drive was completely inaccessible to my forensic tools, and since the E6400s were identical in hardware, I feared a wave of data loss; "as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

I was and still am positive that the hard disk drive was worn down by a series of BSOD's, until the hapless user one day put it in stand by, moved it from the breakfast table, never to see her data again.. Remember that I still thought the BSOD's were caused by a faulty motherboard Dell didn't know about. So when they sent technicians a few days later, they had brought new mobos and hard disk drives for all the E6400s. Being that we didn't find any errors with the motherboard, they replaced the faulty drive and two others, and left me tearing my hair out. 'Cause like I said, the failing of the disk was not the problem but a terrible symptom caused by the as of yet unknown problem.

Turns out the 0X000000FE Bugcode_usb_driver STOP error was caused by d553bus.sys which is a part of the driver for the DW5530 WWAN (mobile broadband) adapter. The fix, they say, is to head into Safemode on the machines affected and uninstall this driver in Device Manager, restart the machine and install the new driver found here: DELL Wireless 5530 HSPA MINI A06 (R220877)

In addition to this problem, that affected machines of all three models, I had some serious connectivity issues that I traced back to the Dell ControlPoint Connection Manager utility. This is a third-party management app that I would usually avoid at all cost (be it from Dell, Lenovo, HP etc), but that I felt obliged to install to allow our machines to connect to the WWAN using the mobile broadband. Even with the latest drivers of today, having installed them correctly (must be installed in the right order, and existing installations must be uninstalled manually first), it took 5 minutes to connect to our LAN with a cable. I haven't seen such performance since the nineties!

Dell actually admitted these problems and more, though in a "please don't tell anyone" kind of manner. Instead they told me to fetch Ericsson's utility that would allow me to remove the Dell ControlPoint applications completely! Why they don't include information like this anywhere else but in a private user's post at the Dell forums is a mystery to me. People often buy through recommendations, and those recommendations ultimately come from geeks like myself. Due to their handling of this case I have not recommended Dell's new machines these past six months at all.. A real shame if these machines are as good as advertised. So, remove the DCP bull, and install Ericsson's driver: DELL WIRELESS 5530 HSPA MINI A00 (R198215)

In addition to this, our machines were supplied with SIM cards that are outside European telco's jurisdiction.. I phoned our associate about this and he was surprised we'd got the SIM cards at all, because we evidently shouldn't. (Does not apply to the UK & USA as far as I know.) The trouble was that Dell's automatic "Activate your SIM card today" and Netcom's corresponding online activation form (Netcom is a Norwegian telco who made a deal with Dell) actually accepted the bogus SIM cards leaving the user puzzled and offline for two weeks after the so-called activation.

I have yet to implement all the quick and dirty fixes, not to mention the removal of about a gigabyte of Dell ControlPoint software, so you'll have to check by this post for updates to see if it has worked. In all, I've read just about only good reviews regarding these machines, so I guess that if the problems are sorted out or you don't experience them at all, you're already cruising. But if you do, it's hard to find a place where the answers are, justifying this blog post, when they should be effectively advertised on Dell's own webpages in my humble opinion.

The literary e-zine Truckin' turned seven years old this month, congratulations everyone! I've penned three stories for Truckin' this past week, but since they are still in editing you won't find them online just yet. I'll give you a heads up when they are available. Meanwhile, Pauly writes:

The June edition of Truckin' marks the seventh anniversary of this monthly rag. I'm honored to have a stellar cast of writers this month including veterans Johnny Huges, Milton T. Burton, and May B. Yesno. And Michael Friedman makes his debut with something inspired by the Lizard King (...)

Seven years. Hard to think that we're still alive and kicking despite the many instances when I wanted to pull the plug and give up forever. I have to sincerely thank the writers for sharing their blood work. Thanks for taking this leap of faith with me. And a special thanks goes out to you, the reader, for your loyalty and support over the years.

Pink Dragons by Paul McGuire
Charles was skeptical and accused me of being a CIA or DEA agent, not to mention the evil offspring of George Bush. There was a strong anti-American sentiment in New Zealand and Charles epitomized that angst. When I unfurled a wad of multi-colored Australian dollars, he abruptly ended his rant and asked me how much I needed...

Holly of Houston: Google Me! by Johnny Hughes
Holly was a former board member of Houston's chapter of the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). She had donated $140,000 to the Texas Strippers for PETA tour. Her frequent comments in Texas newspapers were strongly anti-gun...

I'll Read Your Madness Later by May B. Yesno
The agent freezes; there on that glorious bed lay two figures. The face and name was banging a woman. The woman clawing gently on the back of the face and name, eyes silted in pleasure, yet aware enough to look at the agent coming through the doorway...

The Collector by Milton T. Burton
He was questioned by two detectives from the Organized Crime Squad---one older, tall, thin and gray haired; the other younger, short, thickset and bald. Raymond Chandler said they always came paired that way. But the old man didn't read Chandler...

Morrison's Lament by Michael Friedman
Society no longer values the divinity of the self, so I find myself amiss all of the technology, discontent, and terror and although it takes only a moment to imagine that I am free from the nastiness that the universe leaves on my lips with every gut-wrenching soul kiss...

Michael Jackson, one of my childhood heroes and all time King of Pop died today at 11:40 pm Norwegian time. The Los Angeles Times reportedly wrote that Jackson didn't breathe when medical staff arrived his house. He evidently received CPR in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and later fell into a coma. This news was first reported by TMZ, then quoted by Reuters via The Washington Post. This article writes that the cause of death is still unknown. He died at the age of 50.

Since five minutes ago I began to receive text-messages bearing the earth shattering news. Because, like Lady C said: "I thought he'd live forever." And me too.

Since the first time I heard Smooth Criminal from the Bad album I was sold, and I spent some of my early teenage years defending his great music when the world turned its back on him due to the lawsuits and allegations, and all of his great work was shunned as 'uncool'. Although genius prevails in the world of music and art, the man was lost in the battle. Albeit acquitted from all charges in 2005 I still read hateful comments on the different news sites, just underlining the message Michael tried time and time again to get across. Every person deserves to be loved, even though they are a bit different.

What's funny is that the same cool people slagging him off were the next ones to use his beats in their music. Hip-hop, RnB as well as mainstream pop music all bear significant markings of the King of Pop, a title his legacy justifies. Not to mention that he managed all the stages of musical creation from the beginning to the finished product, the tell-tale sign of a genius, if you ask me.

It is a bit rushed to publish this post as of right now, because all the news agencies seem to quote the same source, creating a vacuum in the press. Fox News just said he was in a coma, but the article didn't say when it was last updated, while Wikipedia's article is marked with the "about a person who has recently died" tag. For the time being I'll assume that these news are true.

Michael Joseph Jackson, I have revered your music and your talent since childhood. I take my hat off to you! You were never alone, and will be sorely missed. Truly the King of Pop above all else. Rest in peace.


Edit 26th of June 2009:
It was confirmed half past midnight Norwegian time that the King of Pop has left us. He got full front pages in Norwegian newspapers today, a lot of airtime across the radio spectre, and millions of tweets around the world. If you live in Oslo, Norway, please consider teaming up with the MJOAI website that announced a commemorative event in Youngstorget at three o'clock (15:00) on Saturday 27th, to honor the musician, genius and human being Michael Jackson. Sadly I'm vacating up north until Monday evening so you won't find me there.

Because we just went ahead and bought ourselves a home!


The Building.


The Livingroom.


Best. Bathroom. Ever.

That's right! Me and Lady C blew our entire future income on a little gem that will need a little redecorating, but has enough space and charm to satisfy the high demands of yours truly -- and the much steeper demands of Lady C -- all to a price we can both swallow. Even though there will be lots of stale bread and no bacon in the next five years... And you are the first one to know, internet! Even my mother doesn't. But I'll have to get some dinner and red wine before I pick up the phone, 'cause realization has yet to dawn on me.. All. That. Money. I'll never sleep again.

Whether you like it or not, Windows 7 is in the making, and you can fetch your free copy of the release candidate evaluation version RIGHT NOW. The license key you receive will be valid until the 1st of June next year. Micro$oft.com writes:

Watch the calendar. The RC will expire on June 1, 2010. Starting on March 1, 2010, your PC will begin shutting down every two hours. Windows will notify you two weeks before the bi-hourly shutdowns start. To avoid interruption, you’ll need to install a non-expired version of Windows before March 1, 2010. You’ll also need to install the programs and data that you want to use.

To get your copy of the evaluation version just go right here!
It's available in both 32 and 64-bit versions, and apparently works well on netbooks too.

THERE BE DRAGONS!
You may think this goes without saying, being Windooze and not a stable and open operating system, but there is extra need to use caution. For those of us in the *nix world, the word "release candidate" means there are bound to be pitfalls, bugs and glitches ahead, as opposite to what you'd expect in a quote unquote stable release. This is a testing version, and you contribute to the M$ empire by using it, because they need user input to make it better. An open source model adopted by the dark lords in these troubling financial times. And probably a smart move too. Please note that although this version is free (for a year) it isn't free software. It is proprietary software, though with a nice price tag. For truly free software see the Free Software Foundation!

It's a beautiful and sunny May 25th, and today we celebrate international Towel Day, commemorating Douglas Adams the author of Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I brought my towel to work today, and was as usual received with a mild mixture of skepticism, humor and praise. For those that are new around here, Towel Day requires you to wear a towel on your person for the entire day.


Here I demonstrate my strategic use of the towel in an admin meeting this morning

I've found that wearing a towel makes people around you pretty relaxed. Unless they think you've lost your mind of course. But most people laugh and comment on your personal hygiene and how sporty you look. You should try it, today, next year or any day of the year. Or every day of the year. A towel just might save you from an embarrassing situation. It might be an embarrassing situation. But you can always hide beneath it, and since it is such a lovely day outside I wear it as a sun block over my head. It also works as a great distraction when people come to talk with me about their deadlines. They fire up the subject all agitated, I slip under my soft, blue towel with crusty edges, and they're all like: "OMG Where did he go?" The feeble mind of the office workers can't stand the confusion and simply shuts down, making it seem like a dream or a false memory, leaving me free to do what I want with the day. And a happy day it is. Congratulations!

Wikipedia states that: "In the 1950s, as a war-torn Europe rebuilt itself, the European Broadcasting Union (EBU)—based in Switzerland—came up with the idea of an international televised song contest, to be transmitted simultaneously to all countries of the union. This was conceived during a meeting in Monaco in 1955 by Marcel Bezençon, a Swiss working for the EBU. The competition was based upon the existing Sanremo Music Festival held in Italy, and was also seen as a technological experiment in live television(...)"

The competition in question is, of course, the Eurovision Song Contest a.k.a Eurosong, referred to as Melodi Grand Prix (MGP) in Norway. This may sound a bit odd to outsiders, but in Europe this contest has a very special place. It isn't usually established pop/rock groups that participate but more often than not soloists revered by the inner circles of the Norwegian music industry. That's why you've never heard about the "stars" until you see them on TV and are asked to vote for them. Usually, it also means that the music is less than interesting, sub par and wholly forgotten a year later. But we all like the extra glamor that always accompanies the show. Nothing's too much.

Things have changed, though, and this year's winner Alexander Rybak is a very talented guy. Even I must admit this, having heard him play and sing beautiful classical songs as well as Dream by The Beatles at a private party. Not to mention that his winning song Fairytale is a great pop tune in terms of rhytm, finesse and impact, as well as having been written entirely by Alexander himself. Alex is a quote unquote friend of the family, which is why we must keep this thing on our fridge:


Text to Lady C says: "Listen to your father; vote for me!"
And before you comment on the fridge magnet, the caption reads: "Grow some balls or GTFO!"

So the finale on Saturday was held in Moscow, and Norway won with hundreds of points down to 2nd place and sat a new record for the most 12-pointers in a row in MGP history. Great! But you wouldn't be reading Sigg3.net unless you were expecting some kind of grumpy, selfish moaning from an ill-fated, grouchy lumberjack slash hacker gone boyfriend.

Because even though the victory places Norway firmly on the map, as we say in Norway (despite the fact that the earliest known placement of Norway on the map was back in ancient Greece and earlier), it also means that next year's MGP circus is going to be hosted by and somewhere in Norway. And having intimate ties with the Eurosong mob through C's family relations, I fear I'll have to spend even more time listening to pop tracks, shake hands and smile. We've already been "booked" for a dinner this week, and I'm expected to walk around and be nice to people I'm supposed to know who the hell is. Which just isn't my thing. I'm not a party breaker but these parties have their own hidden agendas and sets of rules. You can read my short-story 120 Minutes in Sodom for some inside view of what it's like. Thank God I'm not a celebrity! But don't wanna be the entourage either! And next year, all hell's a-coming..

I had the coolest dream for months last night. As you may have heard, I've been testing the Nokia N810 internet tablet for work recently, and of course I couldn't help but add Duke Nukem 3D to the application list. It takes some getting used to using a stylus for shoot-em-up, but I was surprised at how easy it was.

Tonight I dreamed about a game that was running on a similar handheld platform. I had access to it, you had access to it, it was easily considered the most popular horror-like mystery/RPG game for ages. BUT what most people did not know was that there was a gaming mode and a reality mode of playing. The game was actually running in real life simultaneous to the server game, and I was one of the chosen characters in the horror story that had privileged access to the Real Game. I don't remember much of it except that killing people in the game (we used some kind of needlie-like blades) would destroy them in real life as well.

The game was in 3rd person view, in gloomy old mansions, with manlike demons trying to take control of the souls of the gamers playing in regular mode. It was serious business, as we moved like shades or ghosts in a separate dimension between the avatars of kids from all around the world. Some of the creeps were really scary guys, with slime-like skin you could see through, and others were akin to the vampire-ish bloodless aliens in the film noir Dark City. Having figured out the truth about the game, I realized there was no winning it. I was among the good guys, but we were just as shady as the bad guys, more or less what real life's all about. I can remember some of the older men playing the RL mode who were my mentors, very much like Cog in the Spawn comics, and just as deadly serious about The War. But my alarmclock released me from what had probably become a nightmare if continued.. Very inspiring!

I just found this little news item in the online CD shelves:

1. Summertime/Burma-shave (Live) 
2. Annie Back In Town/I Wish I Was Innew Orleans/Ain't Gonna Rain (Live) 
3. A Sweet Little Bullet From A Prett Blue Gun (Live) 
4. On The Nickel (Live) 
5. Romeo Is Bleeding (Live) 
6. Silent Night/Christmas Card From Ahooker In Minneapolis (Live) 
7. Small Change/Hey, Big Spender/Smal Change (Reprise) (Live) 

The songs are recorded at a live concert in Austin 1978, a great period in Waits' career. We've heard the songs and recordings before, but I prefer a jewel case rather than a battered mp3 player any day. Please note that it is released by the Phantom Sound & Vision label, so who knows whether Waits get a taste of it.. Anyway. I ordered it right away, along with The Spirit of Apollo by N.A.S.A which features 1 track with Waits as Koew reported back in November.

Friday afternoon after I arrived home I sat down, got good and drunk and finally updated some family-friendly pictures from our trips to Rome (April 2008) and Paris (April 2009). Me and Lady C are birthday neighbours, but instead of pricey gifts we much rather indulge ourselves some great traveling experiences, a gift that keeps on giving. It's nice to see the world, and it's nice to arrive safely at home again too. When I travel I usually shoot day time photographs with my trusty semi-SLR FujiFilm Finepix S9500, while at night my Nokia N95 provides visual documentation. Lady C was really annoyed at first, having to wait at every street corner, because I found some interesting pigeon droppings on the sidewalk. But she's come around, when in the aftermath, she can follow our trip day to day from one hour to the other:)

Roma April 2008


The Temple of Saturn, Ancient Rome


Tiber by river boat


«We are against the war and the tourist menu!» (Trastevere)


Paris April 2009


Le Tour Eiffel at Night


SEXODROME!


Art Noveau kicks ass! I want more of it, everywhere!

None of the pictures have been re-touched. Friends and family can also see hilarious pix of yours truly.

The scariest picture of the day was taken this morning when I opened my office and realized that there wasn't room for me anymore. Anywhere. To my colleagues I just have to say that I'm so sorry for all the scratches on your new laptop, but that's what happens when they're stacked in piles of 5 on top of each other, and I have to use it as a lunch table.. And still people come in here asking: "Do you have some available time today?" Try next year in September, and I'll get back to you.


Three tool kits, brown package tape and a pack of tackit is all the hi tech you need!

Thank God for the Human Scale®™ laptop stand which enables me to figure out where my machines are.. I also use a KVM switch to interface with my sturdy XPC Glamour Shuttle box, running Zenwalk 6. Looking around me now (having finished with three laptops) there's still a huge NAT backup solution on the chair next to me, a Dell 24" LCD still in the package, five 4:3 format LCDs that nobody wants, and twelve (12) laptops that require my attention since November 2008. That's not counting my own laptop which has been dead for the same amount of time..

I had more space back when I sat in an open office, but it didn't last long due to all the co workers that demanded peripheral oversight.. They claimed I ruined the 'open' part of the concept. On a more happy note, my Aloe Vera plant called Shai-Hulud (or just 'Mons' for short) thrives in the harsh environment! There's even some unknown weed piggybacking. If you click the pic and hit All Sizes you can zoom in on the details. But I recommend not to.

I got a spam letter in my electronic & digital post box this morning. Its subject line read: "Five tips for swingers!" But I didn't click it. I didn't click it because a) I'm not a swinger and b) I know there be dragons and URLz! Instead I made up my own personal tips for swingers:

1. Don't cling when you swing! 
2. No thong? Wear dong! 
3. If d>1.3m then not threesome. If (d>1.3m)+(52xcards) you're playing poker 
4. Ménage aux trois gets you a table for three in French restaurants 
5. Don't be a pig. Especially when in Egypt 

If you got these stuck inside your brain, you should definitely check out my link of the day namely Spam Radio! The only radio station known to man which automatically converts spam e-mail to audio and stream it for your listening pleasure, spam! Spam! SPAM!

Here's a photo I took this afternoon not a hundred yards from the Police HQ:


Some of many Khat eating immigrants in Oslo

Yes, I could have done a close-up, but that would just be over the top. Now, I'm one for extended leniency in matters of immigration politics. We've got to understand the situation that many of them escaped from before arriving in our wealthy industrial society. Cultural awareness may sound like a buzzword, but having been to China and experienced a so-called cultural shock (which is very much like an anxiety attack) due to the huge leap in culture alone, I know what the word means. Many don't.

But this here just pisses me off. According to Wikipedia Khat "contains the alkaloid called cathinone, an amphetamine-like stimulant which is said to cause excitement, loss of appetite and euphoria" (ref). Khat is not a strong substance, but it does have a lot of consequences. I know and have known several people from East Africa where khat grows natively. They reveal a large social problem, especially family violence and unemployment, due to heads of families eating khat all day long. Having escaped from the traumas of your birthplace and managed to steal, lie and trick yourself into one of the wealthiest countries in the world (a very common strategy I'd probably follow in a similar situation); khat is what you want to waste it all on? Come on.

I don't care for these poor saps in the picture, or the ones I've seen being arrested by the five-oh on the exact same spot. But they have families. Not to mention the conflict funding raised from the selling and distribution of it. Last of it all, it is the nerve. You have the whole world at your fingertips when you've first been accepted: a friendly government with lots of programs and work-introduction schemes, free education and no systemic force to put you down but whatever lack of spirit you act out yourself. Yes, there is corruption and racism in Norway as well. But it is illegal, and you have the freedom to try it in court or try somewhere else. It's not impossible. Instead you choose to sit on your ass, chew khat and receive a monthly welfare check? What a waste. What idiocy and fatalism. And what a risk to take, concerning your family and future. Pisses me off!

It has been a long while since I sent anything over to Pauly that even resembled the whiff of a story. Except for promises. But as the story goes, I am one to keep promises, just not deadlines. To exert even more pressure on myself I am hereby also letting you the reader know that more Truckin' stories are underway! I've written some of them already and others are in the draft stages, but I've yet to actually type them in before I can send them electronically across the pond to our favourite Poker author. For the record I've got more than twenty stories published at Truckin', all of them are available on the site, or as a list on the bottom of my archives. Pauly writes:

Welcome back to the May edition of Truckin' which includes a gem from David "Drizz" Aydt, perhaps one of my favorite stories in a very long time. Art Rosch is the latest writer to make his Truckin' debut with The Miracle of Highway Six. I'm ecstatic that Milton T. Burton is back with a fable and as always, Betty Underground's voice is always a pleasant and sultry mix to this month's issue. Oh, and I penned a little something inspired by a trip to Virginia.
Please spread the word about Truckin' and increase your karma tenfold by telling your friends and family about your favorite stories. The writers write for free so help me get the word about their bloodwork.

Popeye by Paul McGuire
The beat up truck with Maryland plates included three large green trashbags that were strapped down in the back. A skinny woman in the passenger seat took a swig off of a bottle and handed it to a guy in a baseball hat. He took one long pull and then spit it out of the open window...

Quicklube: A Fable by Milton T. Burton
It's turning out to be an A-number-one-fine day for C.C. Chumly. He and several of his like-minded buddies are quaffing a few Tall Toad Pilsners at the Belly-Up Bar, a truly classy place in beautiful downtown Midland, Texas...

The Regret by David "Drizz" Aydt
My scar is buried under six feet of solid Nordic dirt and ice, among the mass headstones there's a grave marked with her name that has not been seen by these eyes...

Blue No. 1 by Betty Underground
He looked up from the table and our eyes were locked. After so many years, sometimes there is no need for words...

The Miracle of Highway Six by Art Rosch
Nevada is a washboard, an undulating series of mountains and valleys, and the roads cut straight across this ancient seabed. At the top of each peak, the view spreads down the road ahead, which goes in a straight line for miles and miles until it disappears into the next rise of the landscape...

As some of you recall, I got a radio-controlled car called Marchand SEA BLASTER very cheap back in January. Back then it was still snowy and cold and I had no opportunity to test it out except for in our living room, until Lady C put her foot down (and I rammed into it). I've got some plans for what I want to hack it into, but before I could research it I needed the manual. Luckily I found the manufacturer's homepage where I also stumbled over today's link in addition to the manual.

Link of the day: Marchand SEA BLASTER! video (wmv)

I had no idea the SEA BLASTER (yes, it has to be all capital letters) was Danish.. Anyway! Today it's sunny and not a cloud in the sky, and tomorrow is International Workers' Day, so I've got a full day of driving this little monster. On the Danish website it is described as a "revolution" since it can run on water just like a Messiah. In any case, watch the commercial. It's gonna blow your mind! Have a nice weekend!

Mad cow disease. Bird flu. Swine flu. What's next? Hamster Hemorrhage? Pony Psoriasis? Panda Cerebral Palsy? Crocodile cough? Adder AIDS? King Crab Cancer? Penguin Prostates? NO! It's Cave Bear Bronchitis!

And guess what, I'm the first person in the world to survive it! I'm also the first person in the world who've had it. And I'm probably the only one who ever will, 'cause cave bears have been extinct a few thousand years at least. But it's all good, I got a little antibiotics, and I feel a lot better now. Lady C, however, is completely exhausted after a vacation with me in bed. Hehehe.

Seriously though the swine flu is upon us and spreads like a swarm of locusts. What I don't get is the hysteria. I had the same attitude towards the bird flu. I mean, come on, how often have you seen a bird sneeze? Ever? Now you may say something like "SIGG3! PEOPLE ARE DYING!" but then I'll probably be all like "Oh yeah? From what, exactly?" And you will look like a moron. 'Cause as far as we know nobody, not a single person, has been killed by the flu(!) who were not otherwise affected by another disease(!) or in a severely disadvantaged situation. While 'tis no news that the more unfortunate you are the more trouble around the bend you're gonna see, the previous pandemics didn't bother much with the formalities of fortune. It killed high and low, regardless of wealth and tacos.

There are a few interesting observations to be made here though.

Apart from the two year old Mexican in Texas who tragically died this morning, the worst affected were young and healthy individuals. Like you and me. I feel I need a cigarette just thinking about it. It seems so unfair. Usually a flu epidemic will wipe out the youngest and eldest, but who cares, they're not exactly important right? I mean, the young'uns just got here and don't have any real rights in most countries across the world, and the old ones were just about to leave anyway. So they're sort of okay with it. Let them go. But you and me? We're the peak of human kind right now! What's the world gonna look like if we suddenly disappeared, our whole generation?!

Well. Like Central Africa, come to think of it..

So EVERYONE in Mexico are not-walking around with face masks, the US is manufacturing face masks for what they're worth, while the rest of the world is like "Dude, what the heck do you think you are doing?" Again, there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that face masks reduces the risk of getting a flu. On the contrary there is plenty of reasons why it actually increases the risk, since anyone who already are infected using a mask will be touching his or her face more than usual, and spread the disease by physical contact. Follow the money trail and I bet you there are some rich entrepreneurs in the face mask business who's got some serious political influence through the backdoor.. I suspect Michael Jackson.

So they are making money while the restaurants are losing by the minute. The sales of swine, bacon and chopsticks have dropped significantly too, and Egypt has announced that they will kill every living pig in the country. Which is always a sad thing to see, especially since the country's mostly Muslim and do not want the bacon in the first place. The pigs never done anyone no harm. In contrast to the mad cows in the UK who hung around street corners late at night hassling old ladies.

Meanwhile in Mexico, the government's trying to pinpoint the source of the outbreak. Sort of like Will Smith in Legend. Except that swine are not actually man eaters... Err.. Wait, I take that back. Swine are particularly aggressive animals and they are also extremely intelligent. They are Legion because they are many, and they're featured in Stephen King's Storm of the Century. Evil demons. But I don't see why Jesus had to chase Legion into a herd of swine. Unless.. unless he already knew what would become of them! The Taco Avengers of Death, the first sign of judgment day. And I had taco today!

Seriously, though, the search for the scene of the crime really brings me back to my days on the farm. I've never lived on a farm, it's not what I'm saying, but I've lived in the same general area of where farms apparently were at. So you know. And when living in that particular area in general there were all kinds of stories floating around involving said farm land and the strange psychological impact it had on those who tilled the earth and herd the beasts. There is no better way to introduce animal sex into a conversation, I think, than the recital of classical poetry.

Like Norway's Petter Dass wrote in The 6th Commandment (src) here in my translation:

Some lay with whores
      bedding one and more
Some with others' Wives
      and infect the married life
Some go to bed in sin
      with the next of kin
While others what is worse
      and mix with their livestock

Dass - which incidentally is slang for Toilet in Norwegian - was an infamous priest in Northern Norway during the 15th century who wrote a lot of thunderous texts to the people, in the harsh native tongue of my homestead. Anyway. You can see where I'm going here. It is an interesting observation, methinks.

Somewhere out there maybe, is a short and lonely Mexican swine herder who just couldn't stand the heat anymore. He was all alone in the desert - or wherever it is Mexican swine gathers at night - a long, long way from his Rosita. Maybe they had been walking for days. Or weeks. And the only entertainment he had were dust bunnies and a worn-out cassette in his Walkman from a Carlos Mencia live performance... I mean, put it like that and you actually understand the guy. That's human sympathy for you. We all love little Pepe now. He did no mean no harm. 'Twas just that that night one of them pinkish piggies suddenly reminded him of his Rosita. Reminded him with enormous force, that is to say. Maybe it was the moonlight falling in the right angle for a split second, who knows.. Overcoming.

28 Days Later, I'm in Paris reading about the flu in Le Monde.
It's a funny old world, people..

Writing this now I hear on the BBC News broadcast that the WHO has raised the international alert level to 5. This may inspire a "Whoa!" on your part. But I'm not impressed. When I first heard about the flu, Mexico had hundreds dying and thousands possibly infected. Then they had seven. And that's not because all the rest of them have died, they were simply found to be flu-less on closer inspection. If that doesn't sound like hysteria to you then you need to have your ears examined. Then you have people hoarding the emergency rooms, harvesting vaccines and locking themselves indoors. What a life!

«Let's see, I have my coffee in here, the sofa's all cleaned up for a few years' bed wetting, the stack of porn is safely stored in a demagnetization closet, I've got tinned food from here to eternity, I'M ALL SET! Oh wait. Toilet paper!»

Even if this flu goes completely global like the Spanish Flu in the 1920s, it seems a lot milder than what has been before. It's simply not it. The Spanish Flu killed millions of people. 50-100 million to be a little more precise-ish. Not seven. And although it was recently found to be a H1N1 virus, my bet is that there will be more people dying from eating perfectly clean hamburgers this year alone than the swine flu will manage to wreck upon us in total. And I don't see any critical alerts hanging in our McDonald's and Burger Kings. But then I don't go there.

All in all, I'm afraid we have yet to see the next pandemic that has some hair on its balls. And according to our historians it is already overdue. My gut feeling tells me it will have to do with the growing immunity to antibiotics found in bacteria and viruses. But then my gut feeling says I'm gonna win the lottery every other week. In the meanwhile I'm obliged to help out with the cause, donate some cash to the Red Cross and contribute to as many killed pigs as possible. So in that spirit I promise a free T-Shirt with the caption I Did it for Pepe! to everyone of you who kills a pig with his or her bare hands. Just let me know in advance, and Egyptians are not applicable. Thanks!

Internet Explorer 8 is out.
And it still doesn't render my fully validated XHTML 1.0 STRICT / CSS 2 version of this site. (Not the one you're watching.) Oh well. Better luck next time!

After the concert review I wrote of Mr. I'll be a gecko himself, Bob Dylan, it might surprise you that I actually went ahead and put off time today to get his latest album, the Together Through Life installment of his troublesome biographical trilogy.

But you shouldn't be surprised. I wasn't.

The album is a swinging blues canapé, and if there's anything I like more than dinos fried in baby oil, it's the long pointy finger of a know-it-all blues singer spilling his guts on the wet pavement of black rock music. We have mister Waits, some Young, a little Cohen to mention a few, and when I heard some cuts from Dylan's new album on the radio this morning it felt like a natural addition to me record collection. It's not as hard as could be, but it is definitely a few favourites in there, some good beer party tunes, and hearing through it now I've got no doubt that I'll listen to it again pretty soon.

There are absolutely no geckos on this record, however, so if you really like the geckos and absolutely can't live without them, go to one of his concerts.

Il a été un bon voyage! Paris est belle, il fait bon temps, et nous avons trop d'expériences de la séjour que nous voulons retenir. Mais je vais écrive un petite nouvelle du tour tôt ou tard. Comme des Romains a dit: Que sera sera! Et maintenant c'est bière, l'antibiotique et l'amour de ma chérie. Au revoir!

Bollicks to this, I'm off to Paris to get laid!