It’s a quarter to six pm. and I’m still recovering from last night. Many souls just gave up, and are now in the bar with a gin & tonic. I must stay strong. For my wife, my children, my dog, -wait! Whose thoughts are these?
The last thing I remember was gazing at the sunrise. From a drunk haze it appeared like a perfect round orange on fire, rising from the seas like an ancient, sleeping angel. Which is kind of strange when you think about it. Why would you put an orange on fire? Seriously?
I didn’t make breakfast two hours later, and I didn’t make the boat trip – which wasn’t much of a guided tour from what I heard – but when the Public Service Announcement system was turned on REAL LOUD at docking three hours later, I packed my bags at a speed only Anne Frank could’ve matched. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m Anne Frank. It means that I was pretty late. And that I had slept three hours. That should be ‘Only three hours’.
– Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. We are about to dock in five minutes…
– WHERE is the Off button?! I can’t find it!
– No, this is a broadcast system, you can’t turn it off.
– "Right, Captain"
– Right.. captain..
– Please make sure to bring all your belongings-
– So, how long can I stay in the boat?
– For as long as you please.
– Until the cleaning personnel arrives, in about fifteen minutes.
I had a quick shower, shaved, put on some deoderant, and scrambled together my belongings, in the screaming absence of eggs. Copenhagen was going to be changed forever.. Well, not really, but it makes for a dramatic ending of this sequence.
I got off and – keep in mind that I’d forgotten all my outer clothes at home – got wet. It was raining. I stood at the bus stop waiting for the free DFDS shuttle bus like Lou Reed waiting for the man. "Hey, white boy, what are you doing uptown?" I had no idea about anything, my condition, the time, my whereabouts. "This might as well be Latvia," I mumbled to myself. I realized that I was right.
I got off in central Copenhagen and looked around. I really needed to use the bathroom. I found the most expensivest shopping mall in all of Denmark, and was pleased to see that the public WC on the fifth floor was in good shape. I wasn’t expecting gold and ivory, but even Anne Frank had standards. When I took the escalators down again I noticed that the rain was getting heavier. I was going to need a jacket.
I found two good-looking girls folding men’s wear on the 2nd floor.
– Hi, do you have jackets? (In Norwegian)
– Come again? (In Danish)
– Do you have jackets? (English)
– No (English)
– Where can I find one? (English)
– Try over there by the window (English)
– Merci (French)
I winked at her from behind my sunglasses. I don’t know where the French was coming from but I was certainly going for the mysterious air of mystique, with a slight touch of Uncle Traveling Mac from Fraggle Rock. I found a fancy store where there be jackets.
– Do you have jackets? (Norwegian)
– Come again? (Danish)
– Do you have jackets (English)
– What are you looking for? (English)
– I need a jacket for this weather (Whatever)
– Bla bla bla, this is great, I’ll take it.
Two. Thousand. Crowners.
I now look like a para-military fisherman in 100% polyester. A broke one, at that.
This is the kind of thing I’ve been known to do when I’m hung over. The next thing I did was to send an sms message to a girl friend studying in the country. She picked up my lunch invitation right way. I never expect people to do that, pick me up on my words, they always surprise me. It’s as if I’m not really expecting the language to purport any meaning at all. It’s just for being nice.
– Oh, are you coming?
– Yeah.. you invited me?
– Yes, but.. okay
The company paid my lunch, which was great, because the Mexican restaurant was pretty expensive considering it was just a lunch. Five hundred for two persons. On the other hand, I had a 300g veal steak to make up for the missed egg & bacon breakfast.
I could kill for egg & bacon.
If egg & bacon was a nation, I would move there immediately. But the Mexicans didn’t do any worse. Or did they? I really have to use the bathroom. Again. And I just came from there. I would’ve written more if it hadn’t been for these dreadful circumstances. There are 6 more minutes left on this surf card. Then it’s all tax free shopping, baby. Bill Hicks’ nigthmare: The floating three floor shopping mall where everything is tax deductible. International waters. I can do anything here. Maybe I will. And maybe I can make up for the 2k I spent on this jacket? 25% tax of 2k. Let’s see.. How many beers are that?
EDIT (2 min left):
Hahaha! An old lady came to ask me how you logged on to these machines, at the exact moment I was opening my spam folder. I saw she peekd. girls sucking cum out of ass came up in big, bold letters. She ran away.