In this "feature" I present to you e-mails that I have sent-to-all at work. They are mostly about local matters at work, but so damn funny that I know you’ll enjoy them. I sent this out yesterday when diggers (professional workers, not slang for native Americans) had begun to tear up the garden. A decision taken over our heads. I’m expecting my forced resignation any minute now.
Whilst most of the staff is trafficking children -their own children- across the borders in an attempt to enjoy the summer holiday, the High Council has been keeping busy removing the last remains of Nature from our much beloved stronghold. Shrubberies, rose bushes, grass and tree roots dating back to ye olden days are clawed up by yellow steel arms from a gaping wound in our garden which will eventually become the new Parking Lot™. It was supposed to be a surprise but the guys with the chainsaws just couldn’t keep a secret.
While a handful of protestors are crying, and High Council’s laughing, most of the staff has been spared the ordeal and hustled away on vacation to their parents or something. The moral is: If you’re gonna get hurt, it hurts less if you know nothing about it. Just take AIDS, for instance.
Despite the current arousal in the popular press, the board members were not convinced about Al Gore and the Live Earth campaign. The inconvenient truth is that [my workplace] needs to make a lot more money if we are to take over the government sometime soon. This is why we’ve allied ourselves with major commercial enterprises. From now on private bikes are to be replaced with Clear Channel bikes. Clear Channel has done a great job keeping the Iraq refugee count on a sustainable level, for which we are very greatful. We’ve also struck a once in a lifetime deal with McDonald’s who will be responsible for the salad bar in the cafeteria from now on. Telenor handles our electronic communications, Sharp the snail mail while Microsoft will handle our software platform, license by license. The little smoker shack will be torn down to make way for a Pizza Hut branch, while most of our interior decoration will be handed over to an as of yet unknown highest bidder. The much loved paintings will sadly have to go too, since commercial posters need the space. They will be rotated once a week for our amusement.
All of this goes into build our new clone army which is near completion.
But it’s still not enough. That’s where the Parking Lot™ comes in.
This is the city, and what a city’s always in great need for is more parking space. Mother nature simply has to go someplace else. She’s unwanted here. We need more asphalt and exhaust to keep this place thriving. We’ve stood idle by watching the grass that evil forces made to destroy us all grow for way too long. It is time to act! To trash it all down! Make nature history! Bury it, so to speak… and it’s nothing wrong about making a little action on the side either.
For the small sum of 20% your income you will have the Right to park in the new Parking Lot™. Don’t be like everybody else who shake nervously on the subway waiting for the next terrorist attack, or sweat like a pig in an over-crowded over-priced bus ride at 6 am in the morning. Be different! Support your local FrP office! Drive to work! You can always park at [my workplace].
And when you do, know in your heart that only Satan likes nature. So you’ll be doing a good deed.
Speaking of money, we always need MORE PROJECTS!!
Keep ’em coming. Call your employers, take ’em out for dinner, sponsor a vacation, shake ’em down, do what needs to be done; just get those funds. To help out we’ve made an electronic greeting card you can forward to your mailing list (attached). But don’t mention any of the above. Half of it is still classified. The opening of the grand Parking Lot™ will be in good time for the big summer party, so that you can impress your esteemed contacts and show them how much we care about progress.
This was just a small heads up of the current events so that the positive shock won’t immobilize you upon your return. We’ve also taken into account that a small fraction might not be happy with the grand Parking Lot™ plan, and all we can say to those is that we hope you enjoy your vacation. You don’t really need to come back.
˜ Killing baby seals n’ burning baby rainforest since 1984