Today I must admit I’ve been bothered by fat people. I know, it’s summer time, I should enjoy my vacation and watch the topless girls sunbathing like I did last year. It’s just that.. well, it’s raining every god damn day and I’m still working in the office!
Which is kind of annoying because all the people I work for, the entire universe, are handing me stuff to do before they ask me when I’m going on vacation.. which is somewhat similar to shooting someone in the face and ask them when they’re planning to stop bleeding. So, let’s return to the fat people bothering me.
It’s not so much their being fat that does me in as it is the their getting in my way that does it. We all know that fat people can lose some weight, while I’ll still be an arrogant, annoying bastard. But before they lose that kind of weight, they’re prone to get in the way. Not all fat people are cool like Wayne Knight in Jurassic Park. On the contrary! Most of them are pretty hot. And sweaty, and red-faced. Slow movers. Like German families in recreational vehicles clogging up Norwegian roads.
Take this profound experience I had today, for instance. As you may or may not know I’m fixing up an Apple computer (Powerbook G4 Titanium) to make a bit of money, and as you’re probably not aware of Apple machinery is so iCool, so iHip, that they can’t be seen hanging out with the rest of the screw driver universe. Instead, they use Torx screws, much similar to those Braco keys Ikea give you when you pay extra for you to do their work for you. (And if you draw from that sentence that I don’t appreciate Ikea very much, you’re a very perceptive person.) Except you can’t use Braco keys. That’s a big No. When you buy a piece of Apple hardware, you’re forced to accept all kinds of obligations, just like all the licenses in the Microsoft universe. Except that Microsoft can’t control what hardware you use. Apple just has to be so damn special: "Oh, lookit me! So special lol, you can’t screw me unless you do it proper lol!" Well, DAMN THEM!..
Yesterday I went to a hardware store and bought my first set of Torx drivers. Whoppedoo. Unfortunately they didn’t fit. Seppuku. I went back to the store today to get a pair that would fit, but to get up there I would first have to lay four escalators behind me. It was in one of these escalators the very dramatic thing happened.
Enter fat person.
She smiled courteously to me as I stepped back to let her go first. She just wasn’t aware I was fighting her gravitational pull. I am too young to become a small moon circling a planet somewhere in a department store. Now, before I go on to the details of this lamenting flashback, let me just put some hearts at ease, ’cause I’m not having a go at fat people here. Not in general. That would take too long. This is one particular individual that I’m aiming your attention at. If you had a look around with Google Earth you would probably find her yourself. We’re not talking big-boned or over-weight here, we’re talking obese. We’re talking disease. We’re talking the Roman empire before the fall here. I mean, all we’re saying is that she was American.
So there was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim and we sat in the Korova milkbar trying to–
There was only me, not Alex, Pete, Georgie nor Dim, and I was getting ready to get on the escalator behind an obscenely big woman. Did I mention I was in a hurry? Of course not. But I was. You never know when those Torx drivers go out of stock. Most of you would never even have heard of them before today. Five minutes? Four?! And this woman was so American that she was barely able to lift her feet.. which resulted in a marvellous display when she got to the point of getting on the escalator: With a firm grip on the banister she slid her strongest foot, the left one, in front of her onto one of the steps, and then just waited for the heavy machinery to do the lift for her.
"Smooth," I said to myself, with an air of recognition.
Until she got to the top and almost fell over forward getting off.
"What a pathetic performance," I mumbled to myself, with an air of cool indifference.
Contrary to my beliefs about Mondays (it’s Tuesday today, isn’t it? I knew it!) the department store was filled with people anxious to get their hands on Torx screw drivers. Oh, if they would only let a size T9 be left for me! But I knew in my heart it was a dream. All the people made it impossible to get around our beloved subject without the risk of deep impact. All I had to do was follow the steady flow upwards. They were all going up to the 4th storey, and they were all looking for Torx size T9 screwdrivers.
Panic sent a chill of sweat down my back! Or maybe it was that kid’s slushie.. Department stores can drive a sane man to mass murder. But the mass in front was too much for one sane man to handle. Being the patient guy that I am, I whistled a song.. the Kill Bill theme song.
For two more storeys I witnessed the awkward process of sliding on and falling off the escalator, making me frustrated I hadn’t brought my camera, before we were finally on top of things.
But we were still behind them.
Because she was so big she didn’t bother to revolve back around her own axis to see whether there was anyone else behind her who needed to get past her. I mean, why would she? There was no one in front, right? Instead she enganged her husband in idle chat about the glass windows in front of the stores. When did they think of putting up glass windows for people to see the merchandice for the first time? How come they put up glass windows so people couldn’t move around freely? Was her husband hungry too after all the stairs and talk about glass windows?
I scanned her husband’s face for a sign of recognition, so that maybe he would ask her to let me pass. His fish cold face told a tale of nightly terror. He looked like he hadn’t slept for ages. Who would be able to sleep in his position, right next to a giant ground sloth that would crush him if she turned over? I couldn’t blame him.
So I waited for them to go into the first store.. then the second.. the third.. until there was only the long way around the fourth to the hardware store left and I realized I’d be trapped in there for hours.
I finally come to my senses when a sweet girl working in the hardware store was able to wake me up somewhere in the summer house department. I had passed out in the corner crying and chewing boat rope. I tried to explain things but the memories were still so vivid, so horrible, that what little I could say didn’t make much sense. I handed them my shopping list, and through the stains of fright, sweat and tears they finally got the message: Torx T9 screw driver or else. Got ’em free of charge:)