The last month I have been walking around without glasses which, apart from giving me a head ache, gives me an air of doofusness. I walk straight past people I know. I hit on women over 60. I walk into traffic signs, squint at every letter I have to read at a distance and, first and foremost, I look bloody serious. Very serious. Most people think I am angry, when I’m only trying to focus on what’s in front of me.
The reason why it took so long has to do with fashion. Now, if you say I’m a good looking fellow, I wouldn’t be the first one to object. I have been personally assured and reassured – especially when I wasn’t asking – by several homosexuals and women over forty in a wide range of bars, that I am quite esthetically digestible. Myself, I blame my parents and natural selection; the human race has existed for around 200,000 years, struggling to bring forth that very best of genetic material, and now I am here. But in addition to all of these facts, there are other subjective factors we must take into account when it comes to my appearance. Like, for instance, my vanity. And oval-shaped eye wear.
You would think that the homo sapient head shape has not changed much in 6-7 years, because of the immense period of time it takes for any variability to effect a permanent character trait, but that’s not true if you confer with the modern optical industry. The optical industry is a part of the fashion business, obviously, which in turn are great supporters of the "theory" of intelligent design. And fashion is the only friendly part of society that takes mankind’s rapid and random shape-shifting into account, by presenting new lines of products to our fast-changing bodies every year or so. Today you may be wearing jeans and walking on your hind legs, but tomorrow who knows? You might need a chihuahua in your pocket.
This fact was recently discovered by myself as I found out after having visited four different eye wear shops around Oslo, two of which were independent, that oval-shaped eye glasses are simply not made anymore. The explanation is obvious. Since the last time I bought glasses 6-7 years ago, when everyone was oval, the human skull has changed so much that the optics industry had to change them completely into the heavy rectangle-shaped fittings we see today. We are all becoming squares. If you see this in light of the recent decline in alien abductions, I think the statistics speak for themselves:
Since we all know aliens have oval eyes, it suffices to say that we’re simply not having enough extra-terrestrial intercourse any longer, which only furthers the development of square-headed faces. And to think I would never have come across this remarkable discovery without the optic fashion industry..
So it took a long time to discover a pair of glasses that would suit me. They arrived today. And let me be the first one to say that this new fashion stuff doesn’t suit my highly conservative taste. The Tag-Heuer sportswear glasses make me look like James Bond’s little helper. Or a very geeky terminator. Doesn’t help one bit that Kimi Raikkonen is happy wearing them. He’s paid millions to do so. I had to pay 5,5k to get to wear these windshields.
My female co-workers have assured me that they do in fact look pretty good on me. But I have been suspicious about women and looking over my shoulder, ever since my aunt told me every female citizen of this country would kill for my eyelashes. If they could kill me for my eyelashes, what’s stopping them from a little lie to get a chance on the Sigg3 bed sheet love-rodeo? Don’t ask for photographs.