When GPS and Google maps just can't help ya

Yesterday I NEVER had any breakfast because the keys to my house disappeared into a hole in the floor. That’s right. I had fifty minutes to spare to both get a decent brunch and catch the subway to the University campus when my keys fell from the hanger, down onto the fire extinguisher and slid behind it. Being that I didn’t hear the keys actually hitting the floor I knew there was something wrong. I pulled away the fire extinguisher.

And I was right. A shower of cold sweat (really uncomfortable) ran down my spine.
a) There is a hole in my floor, and
b) My keys are in it.

This is the point of crisis where your mind stops believing what it’s witnessing. It shuts off and instead it tells you that you know what would be a great idea? To go back to bed! Especially since I had to consider these facts as well:
c) Time’s an issue
d) I don’t have a flashlight
e) The "level" beneath the floor is filled with debris and looks uneven. Are my keys even within human reach? Will I have to tear up the floor boards?

I almost laughed from fright, and thought that if this had been a reality show it would’ve seemed so setup that no one would believe it. With that in mind I fetched my new cellphone and snapped this shot for proof:

My keys in a hole

The picture turned out all right, but I was still left with a problem to solve. I asked myself: W.W.J.D? I knelt down and prayed the only prayer I know by heart: "Oh Lord, bless this thy Hand Grenade.." I opened my left eye, then my right, blinked a couple of times and whatdoyouknow! The keys were still down there. Not exactly what I’d expected from the all powerful son of God, but there’s no use crying over the transubstantiated. Instead I asked myself: W.W.McG.D?

Click here to download theme song (mp3)

Right. You may laugh, but instead of feeling helpless and panicking I now felt that I had at least some control over the situation. With what little intel I’d gathered from my deep hole investigation, I conjured up the following implements of destruction:

Homemade tools

From left to right: drink mixer, stirring fork, candlelight with tape, homemade hook-device, scissors.
Note that this picture was taken after the ordeal, and as you’ve probably guessed I ended up using the homemade hook-device; which was made from my longest screwdriver, a piece of twine and a paper clip. And can you believe that it only took me two tries before lo and behold! My life was saved!?

Homemade hook-device

Homemade hook-device in action

As I ran for the subway to reach my last lecture on Kant this fall, I pondered why the TV networks had put down MacGyver in lieu of crappy soap operas that only teach kids how to be obnoxious. How about learning to assess situations and do your best with whatever you have? I even remember this kid from Bergen, who saved himself from drowning in a drain pipe during a heavy rainfall by throwing one of his shoes up to street level, which he distinctly remembered from a MacGyver episode..

… then, of course, a friend of mine (mr S.) almost shocked himself to death by putting a fork into a power socket thinking he’d be really cool. It’s better to burn out than to fade away, I guess, and I’d choose that anytime over being the product of worthless soap operas and "therapeutic" game shows. Have a nice weekend!

5 thoughts on “When GPS and Google maps just can't help ya

  1. Might I suggest a chainsaw for problems like yours?

    Also – Why is that you have a hole in your floor? Get that bitch fixed.

  2. In the middle of that situation I actually pondered the possibility as a last resort.
    But I dont think mr. Houseowner would be too thrilled. The hole is his property:)

  3. So you’ve actually found out how to use iTunes to create weapons of mass destruction? I’d like to see some documentation on that, since I’ve already agreed on NOT making ’em through ‘tunes. Blast!

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