Princess Diana would never have been killed if…

Today, 18th of January 2008, there was a UK piece in the newspaper where the British police claimed that if they had been the ones responsible for Princess Diana’s safety she would never have died. She died in 1997, guys, which is almost eleven years ago. I’ve also stumbled upon several videos with "fresh evidence" released to fuel the masses behind the various conspiracy theories, notably one where secret agents were dressed as paramedics and hit her to death in the back of the ambulance. Which is kind of redundant, given the speed with which she crashed into the tunnel walls without wearing any seatbelt.

There are, and this is conjecture, more people dying from car crashes per year than people killed in plane crashes, by shark attacks, from various types of radiation and exposure to chemicals combined. Like I said, I’m guessing, but go ahead and see for yourself. What’s a common denominator in most fatal car accidents?
The passengers were not wearing seatbelts.

Diana wasn’t Ghandi or Jesus. She was a breath of fresh air in the Royal House of Great Britain, no doubt, but given the dusty characters you find sipping their imperial tea in there, that’s not much to brag about. Yes, it was a tragedy. Like any other car accident. I don’t even know why I bother writing this. So here’s a list of factors not yet considered by the general public, that I claim would all have saved Princess Diana. Feel free to add your own!

Princess Diana would never have been killed if..
.. the British Police had been in charge of security. Blame the British Police.

.. she had gone by horse cart. Blame the car industry (Mercedes-Benz).

.. the traffic police had stopped the car for speeding. Blame the authorities.

.. she’d snacked at the Hôtel Ritz and contracted food poisoning. Blame digestion.

.. she’d dyed her hair black, worn a face mask and shiny eyeglasses. Blame stupidity.

.. big ears didn’t turn her on. Or marriage. Blame both.

.. she’d died during child birth. Blame Lady Luck.

.. her father came on her mother’s face that night. Blame her father.

.. her mother swallowed her that night, to please her father. Blame her mother.

.. our ancestors never climbed down from the trees. Blame Darwin.

.. Dinosaurs were still alive and humans not very much so. Blame John Hammond.

.. Planet Earth couldn’t sustain carbon-based lifeforms. Blame the environment.

.. the universe was but a dream and the dreamer woke up. Blame God.

10 thoughts on “Princess Diana would never have been killed if…”

  1. …if the driver would’ve eaten a proper breakfast with eggs ‘n bacon, instead of that fast-food shit. Then he’d replaced due to his amounts of arriving late at work.

  2. I don’t want to blame anybody! Shit happens. I might sound cruel, but the most shocking thing in your post was “almost 11 years”. 11 years??!?! Am I that old? (Just for the record, I do have feelings, I do think it was a tragedy – like any other car accident – but we’ll never know if it was a conspiracy to kill Diana or not, so why talking about it over and over and over again? )

  3. She should have married me. If she had, I would have withdrawn her driving privileges and confined her to the kitchen (in a suggestive outfit of my choosing).
    A man can dream.. ‘cept I was only 13 at the time. But a boy can dream too. Oh, yes.

  4. Seat belts are for losers. Cool kids drive without! Btw, Diana ain’t dead, so the whole “been killed if” fails :p Don’t trust everything u read/see/hear/smell etc.

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