A Tell-tale Heart

Hi internets, still recovering from the otitis. I’m feeling much better, less sweaty, but I still have slight pressure in my right ear and no hearing. Well, that’s not completely true. When I shower I can hear the sound of every single drop of water as it echoes inside my skull, which is so not hilarious. I also have trouble following conversations going on on my right hand side. I usually just guess what people are saying, creating some confusion.

– You did WHAT to your elephant!?
and
– Radio masturbations is not a television show?
and
– I thought you would give me a raise, not Hitler’s plan for the Third Reich!

as examples of in medias res communication, followed by the notion that I’m not paying attention or at least, not paying attention to the appropriate segment of reality. (I know there are those of you out there who would just love to beat it off as a killer whale battled it out with a cancerous elephant. But you are sick people and you need help.) Anyway, that’s not what I logged on to blog about. I came to blog about my heart.

Last week around Friday I was beginning to have some serious heart pounding, which made me very uncomfortable. My father has had some heart problems during the last decade so the question couldn’t be avoided; was there something serious going on? Unfortunately I had already been to see the doctor, and it would ruin my routine to check up twice. I swallowed the pill and opened up my heart to Lady C, so to speak. She suggested that it could be that I was smoking while being ill, and smoking a lot more than usual at that. But I wouldn’t have any such nonsense. Smoking? Dangerous to your health? Come on! I’ve been smoking since I wore diapers, back when you could light a match from straight off the floor (which was the only surface I was physically able to each at the time). However, C was not inclined to yield.
Luckily, my cunning isn’t thwarted by what female flaws there are.

Having revisited my smoking I looked over all the medication I was taking for the otitis; penicillin, paracetamol, ibuprofen, a mixture of heroin & otrivin.. And large amounts of sweets. But none of these or the combination of them should make my heart pound as hard as it was, however delighted I was that I had ducked all the nausea supposedly side-effected by the medicine. I was at a complete loss when my infallible brain did a 360 and introduced me to a Copernican turn: What stuff have I NOT been doing since I fell ill?

Working out? Check. But I don’t do that when I’m well either.
Going outside? Check. Ditto.
Drinking Coffee? … OMG!

That was it! I hadn’t had a single drop of coffee since Monday; and after a long strenuous week my body had drawn on all the caffeine resources pocketed around my bone marrow that it could find, to the point of being completely dry. I was on the wagon, or pulling a foster, unawares and involuntarily. No wonder my heart was pounding. Can you imagine having to pump ALL THAT BLOOD TWENTY FOUR SEVEN without a single drop of coffee? Not even a quick ‘sspresso in the morning? It just ain’t natural.
I had a cup of coffee and within an hour the heart beat as normal.

Couple of days later my mother was on the phone to check up on my recovery. I mentioned my heart condition, and she could inform me that it was quite normal for people having withdrawals after quitting on coffee. Who quits on coffee? I asked, thinking that in Soviet Russia coffee quits on YOU!

– I did, she said.
– Yeah, but you like had a natural transition, with the tea and all, 3-4 years back
– No, way before that, just before you were born
– You were trying to quit while you were pregnant with me?
– Far from it! I wouldn’t dream about walking around carrying a baby without the comforts of coffee
– You were caffeinated while you were pregnant!?
– Sure thing. Had it intravenous at the hospital.
– I’m speechless!
– Why? What do you think about it?
– Sounds like a passive-aggressive abortion to me!
– You mean "sounds like a passive-aggressive abortion of me"?
– Right..
– Yeah, I can see that.. Anyway, good to hear you’re recovering from the otitis. Gtg lol kthxbai!

All in all it was a pretty weird, and pretty frightening experience. After the incident, I have taken an oath to Nevarr! stop drinking coffee. The spice must flow. Like a blood flow. See ya!

One thought on “A Tell-tale Heart”

  1. Mom as a doctor: You’ve got fever, lol! Here’s some pills. Take ’em, swallow ’em and call me when you’re rich enough to pay me, lol. Kthxbai!

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