New Year Resolutions

It’s the Post-Apocalyptic Year of 2013, Christmas is finally over, and normal life returns. How am I? I’m Bachelor of Philosophy, fat and fartin’… Here, lemme explain!

More than a year ago, me and Lady C quit smoking. That’s right. I didn’t blog about it because I was unsure how the outcome would look like. In fact, without someone to quit at my side, it probably wouldn’t have worked. Anyway. When you quit smoking, you start gorging. Here I followed sound advice; I drank plenty of water and ate a lot of carrots. After a while I had to quit, though, because my skin was turning into a carrotish hue. I also ate a lot of chewing gum, a bad habit I haven’t kicked yet.

Anyway. I will never be as slender as I was back when I was smoking. I only ate a couple of meals a day, and instead just starved, filling my hunger with cigarettes. I understand completely why super models smoke. It’s excellent! But I never smoked as a way to keep my weight in check. It was for the sole reason of smoking that I smoked (akin to, I believe, alcoholics). Since then I’m more of a rounded number. Anyway.

Last year or the year before that, my mother (on my mother’s side) and her brother (on my mother’s side) had a stroke. My mum had a Japanese kind of stroke, but it was still very similar to a regular American Dream type of stroke. Anyway, since I’m related to both of them, and their father (on my mother’s side) died of a stroke, my doctor told me I was all set for the early onset of DEATH.

This started a very shameful chapter of my life, that I won’t detail here. Suffice to say, that I go to the gym undercover. Because I go to one of those cheapskate gyms, where the huge weightlifters either laugh or wink at you. But we have come to an arrangement. They don’t talk to me, I don’t talk to them. We exchange knowing glances. Nuff said.

For half a year I went to the gym 3 days every week, just doing regular healthy stuff there for about an hour, including stretching. I learned to stretch back in my Tae Kwon-Do career. Nobody else stretches, perhaps its out of fashion, but like I said, there is an arrangement.

Today I returned to the gym some 4-5 months since my last visit, and I intend to return on Wednesday. Nothing new, except the taste of blood in my mouth. Good thing I didn’t postpone it any further. Afterwards, just for the heck of it, I wanted to see how much I weighed. To my great surprise (!) I had the exact same weight as I did when I was a regular. But I feel more chubby, especially now right after Christmas. All that lovely pork and chocolate bits for the coffee. Mmmmm..

Anyway. What’s happened is that the muscles I had built before the summer has become flubber around the waist. If I keep at it for another 6 months, then I betcha I have the exact same weight, but look better. So for me, going to the gym is not about weightloss, but about staying alive and the redistribution of wealth- I mean weight. Bodily socialism!

Enough about me. Let’s talk nicotine!

As I said, I quit smoking. But for some reason, during Spring 2012, I found that I could use snus as a reward for having done my homework. What’s snus? I’m glad you asked! It’s pure nicotine and other shit, that’s formed into a ball, and put under your lip. Think of it as smearing your upper lip with tobacco. It’s wonderful. Also, as a bonus, you will forget that it’s even there! 100% nicotine addiction comin’ straight up. It’s so bad, that my brother Koew has BEGUN SMOKING AGAIN in order to cut down on the snus.

I’m not going that route, however, because I have tasty, tasty nicotine chewing gum.


Problem is, the taste of snus is really strong (and minty, if you prefer that taste) so to match that, I started with 4mg chewing gums tasting of "Exotic Fruit", which is another name for mint, apparently. 4 milligrams is really a lot, and today I find that I am more addicted to the actual chewing gum than I am to snus, and I even sometimes use snus just to cut down on the gum! This is strongly recommended against with the health problems (on my mother’s side) mentioned earlier.

Anyway, another side-effect with so much nicotine, is that it really relaxes your body. It relaxes all of your body. Including the voluntary musculature surrounding Uranus. In other words; flatulence occurs. Sometimes I blame the dog, but with Lady C it’s different. She’s a nurse. Nurses know their shit. So when flatulence occurs, there are explanations of how this is really necessary in order to SAVE ME FROM A TERRIBLE DEATH. Needless to say, it has its advantages too. I’m always the funny guy at parties ("Hey, do you have a lighter?") and last night me and Lady C had an entire conversation where I didn’t even have to open my mouth.

Turd and last, I have to get new glasses. I don’t have any money, I’m a student with a temp job at an ISP, but my 5-year old glasses are literally falling apart. So today I did an eye check to see if anything had changed. Ha, I still knew all the letters by heart! Do you get that? That you want to give the right answer to the pretty lady? Did I get that right? Really? omg omg omg is there a prize?! You are so vulnerable sitting there, chin and forehead stuck to a medieval-evil type of interrogation device, and the lady going Which is the best one of this:

blurry photo

*FLIP* …and this?

blurry photo

And you don’t know what to say, but there must be an extra-life or something, so you ask "Can I have them again, please?" not knowing whether this gives you negative points in that little score-book she’s hiding from you. Right, she says. What’s the best one of this:

blurry photo

*FLIP* …and this?

blurry photo

You can’t take a wild guess because YOU’LL BE WEARING THESE $$$ GLASSES, so you try to improvise, saying "They’re both kinda blurry", because you can’t ask for another re-run. She sighs. You know that you’ve let her down terribly, and you suspect that the next four images are the ones you’ve already seen and now you must remember what you said the last time. IT IS HELL.

Having been through that ordeal, I was taken to the showroom to find a new frame for the glasses. My old TAGHEUER glasses were really cool and I was looking for something like them. I told that to the pretty lady, and she said: That was AGES ago! So much has happened since then! To which I thoughtlessly replied: People have different heads nowadays..? She didn’t laugh.

Today’s glasses are more Harry-Potterish. Big, bold frames in light materials. I am not convinced. I’d look like a retro-70’s television presenter. On the other hand, I wasn’t convinced back in 2007 either, and then I ended up becoming quite the sex symbol (at least to some few a couple of people). I decided to take a couple of days to think it over. She was happy to see me go. And in the meantime, I’m staring in the face of every person on the street to see what kind of eyewear they’re using.

Anyway, apart from the prospect of dying and death unless I suffer the humiliation of going to the gym and getting a nice buff hamster cheek from all the chewin’ + flatulence occurs, I’m all good! That is also among my New Year Resolutions. Stop being good, become excellent! So, now it’s your turn. What are your New Year Resolutions and how are your bodily functions doing and do you need new glasses? I have some Tag-Heuer glasses for you here, quite a bargain! Get it all out there. Put it on the web! Read the disclaimer and have a great 2013!

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