I saw Alien I-IV, and as any loyal fan I regard IV as a pr-stunt or fundraiser more than a movie of quality as the other three clearly are. I saw Predator I and II and enjoyed them. Now some smuck has decided to unleash Alien vs. Predator on the world, in the Hollywood-bore legend from the days of King Kong vs. Godzilla.
I’m not sure wether I’m actually going to bother to pay 60NOK to see this sh*t. Probably not. And the movie slogan? "Whoever wins. We’ll loose." Sounds more like a description of the recent American election. So, dear reader, follow me as I muse upon the subject of Idiotic vs.-films never to come and their halfwit slogans:
The Godfather vs. Scarface
Theme: Which big mafia boss is the better?
Slogan: Who’ll make the offer the other can’t refuse?
Teletubbies vs. The Smurfs
Theme: The smurfs are driven from their homeland by evil Finnish terrorists, making them populate the vast spaces of The Teletubbies-garden. Who will win this eternal battle between good and evil, dumb and dumber?
Slogan: If you can’t beat them, sit on ’em!
Sequels? Yes. Major possibilities with the Teletubbie-slogan: "Again!"
Rainman vs. George W. Bush
Theme: Talkshow-based comedy/drama depicting the lives of the less fortunate during this struggle for respect.
Slogan: D-d-d-d-do you ch-ch-challenge me?
Sequels? Bush might regenerate after the first loss. 2nd film subtitle: "Uh-oh!"
HAL 9000 vs. R2-D2
Theme: Follow the battle between tincan and brains as we enter this three-hour summary of the most enticing chessgame in the Universe.
Slogan: Will I dream? (The audience will)
Alien vs. ET
Theme: A timeless story of good vs. evil in this thrilling actionmovie starring the most famous extra-terrestrial critters in cinema history!
Slogan: Hoooome…Hoooome! HOOOOOOMMEE!!
Rambo vs. McWallace (Braveheart)
Theme: Freedom took a new turn. Which type will win? American or Scottish?
Slogan: They are both free men, but who’s the strongest?
Leon vs. Lara Croft (xxx)
Theme: Leon survived the explosion and has been paid to take out the real person behind his shattered life, Lara Croft. Who’ll win? French and delicate handling of weapons or a live n’ kickin’ Lara? And how will Leon handle Lara being a woman? And how will Lara handle Leon being a man?
Slogan: Trained for combat, conditioned for sex
The Terminator vs. C3PO
Theme: In a battle of life and death, will annoyance overwin muscles?
Slogan: One is Muscle. The other is Brains. Together they’re Scrap.
The shark from Deep Blue Sea vs. the Shark in Jaws
Theme: From Jaws to DBS evil sharks have eaten humans.. It is time for a change..
Slogan: Who’s endangered now? or Anyone for Sushi?
Bridget Jones vs. Danielle Steele
Theme: Two women fighting over something uninteresting….CATFIGHT!
Slogan: Edge of Reason? No! Edge of Razor!
Shrek vs. Lord of the Rings’ Orc
Theme: They’re two of a kind, but locked in seperate worlds. Join us as we bring together animation and animation in the biggest toon-fight known to man.
Slogan: Not Green? Not Cool.
There you go! 11 titles alot more promising than Alien vs. Predator.