During this year (2004) I’ve gathered quite some information about you, not only through "invisible" statistical systems and bribes in high places, but also through my Weekly Poll. Since it was closed down November 10th in await for the upcoming Female of the Year election poll, I’ve been waiting for my team of North-Korean analysts5 to reach a profile of my readers. Here’s the result (translated to English).
A summary of the Statistical Reader Analysis
As a basis for our understanding of your statistics, we’re using the provided numbers of 85,000 unique visitors since December 2003. They’ve left over 7 million hits spread evenly over 70 countries1. With these figures in mind, we can proceed to the analysis of "the average Sigg3 dot net reader". The results are henceforth presented in the chronological order provided by your Weekly Polls.
The Mars landing in 2004 indicates that people do have a sense of interest in modern science, especially with rocket science, probably because of the numerous movies concerning the subject. 33% or 28,050 persons found the NASA experiment necessary and "important for further science". A mind-numbing 25%, making out as much as 21,050 individuals, thought the event would bring humanity together in love and peace. They latter would seemingly fit into the category of ‘hippies’, but we cannot rule out the occasional Star Trek fanatic.
The other base question provided, indivates that a great deal of Sigg3 dot net’s readers enjoy reading The Tao of one Pauly McGrupp. Almost 43,000 people preferred this NYC author cloned, while a traditional 23,000 votes (27%) still clung to the revival of Elvis Aron Presley2. 14% of the people was evenly split between cloning dead rappers 2pac or Big L, while a small group of Americans (1700 people) wanted David Letterman cloned, despite the fact that he’s still alive.
Our primary assumption is constituted by the obvious connection hippies – Pauly, which implicates a series of distressing issues, such as: Does science suffer from hippies/trekkies? or What attracts hippies to space? The scientific knowledge of Sigg3 dot net’s readers are conclusively questionable.
When the organization Amnesty International reported that Chinese government had improsoned more than 54 websurfers based on political grounds, there was an uproad among S3N3 readers. 85 percent of the userbase, constituting almost 73,000 individuals, thought the action a "clear violation of Human Rights". This is not surprising, though, on two grounds: a) The voters were all websurfers themselves and could immediately connect with these prisoners, and b) China is still thought of as a communist state, something revealed by the 15% who answered that the actions were a "proof of Communism’s true nature".
This leads to a complicated task in determining the morale status quo of S3N readers. On one side they score by being sympathic beings, but on the other side they reveal themselves as prejudice and succumbed to the folklore of a ‘free Internet’.
Moving on to the second poll undoubtedly connected with a person’s moral situation; hair hygiene. To the question: How often do you wash your hair? there were 4 alternatives, which all had been used. A good 56% washed their hair every other day, while as many as 17,500 people (21%) washed it every single day. This immediately leads us to believe that S3N readers are thin-haired people. We also believe that an indication of the previously mentioned ‘hippies’ is found in those 3400 individuals (4%) that washes their hair once every four months. But only an indication, as bald people have no other alternative, if the poll is not aimed at body hair as well.
Concerning spammers, the base group of voters reveal themselves as websurfers again, naturally, even though spam reaches real-life mailboxes as well and in America alone has increased the number of sold viagra with a good 60%. No one admits to have bought anything from spammers, and allthough the possibility of this is high, there is reason to believe one would not want to be recognized as such a buyer by fellow internet users. An exact 50% of voters saying "I would never buy anything from a SPAM mail" strengthens this view. 45%, nearly 40,000 people, say their self-confidence has receeded because of the imprinting messages of spam, but we find it odd that an increased sperm volume (300% of it) is the base of social insecurity.
Our conclusions cannot be drawn as clearly as we would like, but it seems the readers of Sigg3 dot net is either of high-morale or incapable of dealing with their own volume of sperm. We also have no knowledge how the latter may have effect on female readers as well.
The smoke-ban issue, allthough dealt with by Sigg3 dot net as a morale issue, is rather a revealing factor of the differences among Western-democrats and readers of Eastern heritage. The 46% answering that the current smoke-ban introduced in Norway (2004) is "limiting our individual freedom" might be the influence of East-Terraen voters, showing to the website statistics including alot of visitors from The Russian Federation, China, Singapore etc. It is our belief that Sigg3 dot net also advocates a positivity towards smoking, which has little or nothing to do with the fact that employees in bars and restaurants have been suffering from cancer for a long time. This point of view was stressed by reader Mib, one could add. The 12% voting that the smoke-ban is good, is probably influenced by American health propaganda, but we find them incompatible with the ‘hippies’ of the Tao of Pauly and see that they must originate elsewhere. Some of them are undoubtedly from New York City, however.
The fate of Saddam was posted as a humorous issue in the Weekly Poll, and even though the answers are charismatic and reveals some kind of entertainment among the Sigg3 dot net readers, we see them as an interest in late events. The 22% answering that he was sent to Mars along with the NASA Mars Rover, indicates the scientific interest dealt with above, but not the knowledge to assass the extent of this thought. We would like to reveal that the Mars Rover had no passager seats, and that the Iraqi ex-despot would’ve suffered from severe oxygenloss. He would, in fact, have died.
The reading habits of S3N readers are an interesting point in this analysis, as it excludes newspapers, weblogs and even magazines (except for the Playboy magazine). It’s only a question of the quantity of books consumed by S3N readers over selected periods of time. Not a single individual boasted about reading 1 book a day, but a worrying 64,600 people (76%) read 1-3 books a week. It is our conclusion that allthough interested in late events, news and such; Sigg3 dot net readers don’t get out much.
What kind of people would one suspect reads the webpage in question? This questionnaire4 is supposed to give us the answer to that, but allthough the user base washes their hair every other day, finds an interesting in news, and never buys from spammers they are troubled with symptoms of drinking disorders. In fact it is our belief that alcoholic beverage may have been consumed even while reading the webpage. It is revealed that S3N, allthough not getting out much, are quite out-going. 51% answers that they go out to have a drink (or ten) once a week. The more concerning are the 36 percentage admitting that they do this twice a week! Is there a connection between reading S3N and getting drunk on a regular basis? We can only speculate.
An interesting group of about 10,000 people does not drink at all. We suspect that among these are the 3% of whom has never been to any parties, or the other 3% preferring coffe and cigarettes in the same setting. And we also suspect that these are among those reading 1-3 books a week.
Hard liqour was preferred among every four reader (25%) in social gatherings, while one third preferred brown ale (e.g Guinness Draught). The sophistication level of S3N readers are unsurprisingly low, since only 17% prefers wine, and only 3% white wine. Allthough S3N readers can be said to be well-read, even some of academic levels, an 11% say that they prefer drugs "naturally" above any other means of intoxication. It is apparent to us that S3N should commence rehabilitation of its readers, since an estimate of 15% of them might be seriously damaged by liquor or drugs.
3% preferred bikinies and sun, in front of mountains and wood-cabins when it came to dissecting the vacationhabits of S3N readers. A small nine percent – less than 8,000 people – were the only ones interested in meeting their family and relatives in their holidays. We find this coinciding with the fact that the userbase are either reading a book or severly intoxicated at all times. Some of the S3N readers are believably not able to spell their parents’ names, but they can probably sing Elvis Presley songs while in a coma.
Conclusion. Reaching "The Average S3N Reader?"
Based on the above summary and supplemental facts in the full report.
Allthough Sigg3 dot net has a steady stream of about 10,000 readers a month, it is highly demotivating knowing that these readers are less likely to perform successfully in either social or sexual settings. They will continue to read, be it this or that, while neglecting their families and folks, staring into space and waiting for the return of Elvis, 2pac or David Letterman (whom is still alive). The great interest in women and alcohol seems apparent in all layers of the userbase, even though a good deal of them would turn out to be women if S3N had done a more focused collecting of data.
It is our hopes that Sigg3 dot net will take these issues to its heart, find its compassion for its users and provide them with the old-time rock music, news, literature, alcohol, drugs, women and viagra they would need.
From the above figures, we feel confident in having drawn a more or less accurate profile of the Average S3N Reader. In closing we would advice Sigg3 dot net to continue its observation of its readers.
1This data was substracted from website statistics. (Webalizer 2.1)
2A deceased rock musician and legend.
3Abbrevation of Sigg3 dot net
4The questionnaire is the total results of the weekly polls in 2004.
5You don’t have a team of North-Korean analysts? You should!