Phone ET from home

I just heard on the radio that a group of engineers have begun to offer intergalactic phone calls! They charge you on a per-minute-basis for a conversation with the alien(s) that would happen to listen to the call.
Here’s my phonecall with outer space:

Dear Listener,
I’m speaking on behalf of the population of Earth (a.k.a Tellus) which you’ll find in the solar system called The Milky Way. I guess we’re the only one to call it just that, but still. Milk is what you get when you milk the cow. Don’t ask.
I hope you can just pin-point our location from this call.

Don’t come here.
We’re bi-pedal descendants of half-monkeys. Monkeys are crouched, really hairy and have sex all day. If you don’t understand the significance of it, please turn on your universal translator.
We’re monkeys, as mentioned, and all we do is walk around half-crouched and really hairy. Of course we’ve had quite a few scientists and bright minds throughout the years (one standard year is 365/2 rotations around our own axis.. so pre-speed of light, I know..) but no one has ever bothered to listen to them so I guess you can say that evolution stopped some six thousand years ago. And we hadn’t really amount to anything back then either.
For you that’s probably not much of a time-span, but given the number of generations we’ve had to improve ourselves with I see little or no chance of it ever happening. We only live about a houndred years if we’re lucky, you know..

Aside from that we’re pretty laid-back.
We’d be the laughing stock of the interstellar council(s), but we’d know to appreciate good times. Good times are all about being a happy monkey. It usually involves being hairy, drunk and set up with a nice part of the opposite sex. There’s two sexes, by the way. Thank God.

Then there’s music, literature and philosophy.
Probably outdated in universal terms, but we’re still at it.
Not to mention religion and politics. No, I’m not going to mention it.
Refer to the bright minds that we never listened to (or the ones that I didn’t mention whom we listen too much to).

I’d like to mention beer, though, the corner stone of civilisation.
Our chemistry is pretty intolerant to anything, so when we drink alcoholic beverages (CH3CH2OH) we get all dizzy and warm. We’ve done this for thousands of years. So to add more fun to it, we found out ways to give the alcoholic beverages alot of different flavours and faces, and the same goes for the sub-group known as beer. Beer itself actually has sub-groups, but I don’t want to go into much detail right now. If you come here I can tell you all about it.

I think what I’m trying to say here is that I don’t think we’re worthy your time, we’d probably just be a waste of it. I’m not asking you not to come, I just wanted to inform you that it’s no rush. I bet there’s a million million things to do that’d be alot more funnier than coming down here. Even from a down-to-Earth perspective. Like shooting the moon, for istance. In fact, I’m not sure we could throw you any good welcome-party either, since we’re pretty much tied up in our own monkey affairs. We mostly don’t give a good god-damn about our fellow monkey’s monkey affairs either, so I’m afraid you could come down here and no one would notice it. Heck, maybe you’ve been here already. If so, just disregard this message.

There’s not much to say.
We populate quite much, so if you come here in a million years I’m sure you can kick it with one of my descendants and have a beer. Ask for a Guinness Stout.
If you should ever penetrate our internal communication networks, please find the world wide web (some of it actually follows the universal XML standard) and drop me a line.

Yours Truly,
Supreme Leader of Earth (Sigg3)
p.s. If you’re interested in buying my planet, let me know.

Cost me a small fortune, but I think it was worth it.
Can’t wait to check my receiver when I get enough money to do it.

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