..and if you’re allergic to chocolate, you choke and you die.
This past week has been hell in preview. It still is, but I thought you guys deserved to know just how hellish it is, getting up and going to work when other people are having time off. Destroyed, as it were, by New Year’s Eve hangovers.
That’s a hangover in plural.
You think you had a tough Monday? Why? Because you’d to ignore your bodily needs and eat fourteen days old bread for breakfast, and concentrate leaves of tea to imitate the coffee you don’t have? Getting there and being yelled at by your boss who really hates your guts and employed you for the sole purpose of sleeping with your wife? You think that’s hard?
When I woke up this Monday, I died.
It’s true. Then I had to build a time machine, go back to birth, re-live my entire boring life – almost 22 years – second by second up until the Monday morning when I died, make sure not to die again AND THEN I had drag myself out of bed and get to work, no coffee whatsoever. The entire experience was like having a live cat surgically implanted in my guts by Mexican drugdealers, who never passed medical school, and feeling it claw its way out of my system, inch by inch. A bystander said to me it was like watching a cow being slain in slow motion backwards.
Apart from that I’m making money and doing just fine.
I haven’t received the results from my last two exams yet, but I’m sure they’ll suck (even when I get an A, it sucks). I did release my satire on Statistics the day before New Year’s though. It’s called Defining Statistics and Social Research: A pretty objective introduction to Science. It was well-applauded by the few bothering to read it. It’s a 60 page investigation into the perilous realm of mockering Social Research from a Grimberg-like-point-of-view. Here’s an excerpt from my assessment of the Statistician as an agent:
The statistician can simply be described as a ‘being whose main concerns are numbers and the crunching thereof’.
I’ve tested randomly chosen statisticians by surprising them in the hallway and throwing a good equation or some unknown factors at them instead of the usual
‘hello’. All of them stopped, looked at me, then for a split-second their eyes flickered and they hurled their consciousness into the world of equations. Their eyes rolled back into the skull, hands clutched, some of them panting, chasing themselves like a naked, wild animal in the forests of ones and zeros. They dipped their toe into the matrix before returning with the answer and an excuse for having a cigarette.
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As you can understand, not everyone felt good about having a little kid like me bothering to have opinions about what they are doing (or not doing). But those who really think that are missing the point the only good way you can do it, and that’s by taking it literally. Listen to the images, the concepts and the humor. I might decide to put it on the web, but I’d have to remove some stuff from it. No, not the images I stole from the web, but Fafo’s name and such.
I think 2006 is going to be a terrible year.
In my point of view, we should just skip 2006 altogether and get onto 2007. 2007 is the year the cool stuff happens, whatever they are, while 2006 is only the Year of Waiting. It’s like being a Palestine in Year -1. And everybody knows 2001 was alot cooler than 2000. 2007 – the year cool stuff happens, 2010 – the year we make contact, 2065 – the year somebody died etc. While 2006 = Year of Crap.
Just check it with Wikipedia!
Year 1006: Holmgang (deadly duel) declared illegal in Iceland.
Year 1007: Songjiang County, the later city of Shanghai, is founded.
Shanghai rocks, denial of holmgang doesn’t.
In addition, year 1007 was the year Aethelred buys two years of peace with the Danes for 36,000 pounds of silver when everybody else knew he could’ve gotten it for at least half the price!
Anyway, so far no one has supported my campaign End 2006 Now! Most people think I’m a doomsday prophet. I’m not. I might advance it by one year, but what the heck, it’ll be long after we wiped ourselves out after some crazy anonymous terrorist removed all safety instructions from the face of the Earth. In addition, I suggest we stop calling Earth Earth and acknowledge its true masters. Let’s call it Google Earth from now on. I’ve already sent my proposal to NASA.
But that’s just me.