The book arrived. I put it on top of the mess on my desk. For the entire day at work when it was lying there, not a single person dared to approach me. Some chicks began to weep. I learned that two of them got their periods spontaneously, just by seeing the cover over five feet away:
So, I read through the book the first time in 2 hours. I was perplexed, shocked, touched and aggrevated at the same time. I wanted to drop-kick somebody. Or chop down a tree with my fists. I read through it again a few days later, after I had had several dreams about wrestling Russian bears with my bare hands in desolate mountain areas. It was the lumberjack inside of me, calling out a cry of – well, lumberjacks just cry out. This time I studied it, a careful analysis of manliness on paper, and every aspect of it is manly. Take the paper it’s printed on, for instance. It’s not the feeble, white trash regular books are printed on. It’s not the smooth, almost glossy paper old books have. It’s a cross between sandpaper and recycled paper, rough paper for rough hands.
And the brilliant illustrations. It’s not fancy, flimsy oh, look’it’me pictures by people who confuse Rembrandt with a man. They are sharp, precise and instantly informative, just what a man needs.
It is the first time in my life I’ve had a literary confirmation about my toilet habits. And I’m not talking about wiping my ass with my friends’ towels, that’s just for emergencies or fun, I’m talking about Maddox’s assassment of the cycle of bathroom stalls utilization. And of course pissing points for hitting inanimate as well as animate targets.
I only wish it was longer. Why on Earth did not Maddox extend the alphabet? Surely there are letters out there that has been pushed out from daily use by spineless bureaucrats. I bet he could do a great book on onomatopoeic words. Nevertheless, it is a great book. At the time of writing, it is standing in my bookshelf at home. I made room for it on the top shelf, because it physically repelled other books around it.
It’s also growing hair.