Silent Hill, Not the Game

Sitting here at one am in the morning. It’s damp outside, it rained a little earlier, and the clouds make for a dark night. I’ve been writing all day, so I thought I deserved a beer. Tom Waits and ensemble are performing Frank’s Wild Years on my ear. If I could choose a score for my life, Tom Waits would have most of the tracks. But anyway.

* may contain some spoilers *

I met my two brothers yesterday, and we went to see the movie made from the popular game called Silent Hill. It’s something of a Resident Evil clone, talking about the games, but there’s no doubt that SH stands on its own two feet as a shit scary game to play. The kind that makes you crawl into the innermost corner of your couch, staring terrified at the gaming console lying there in front of you. You can almost touch it, but you don’t dare to. But you’ve already won Teletubbies – Silence of the Lambs two times, and you really want to see the end of this game. It’s just that.. can you hold my hand?

And just like the Resident Evil movie(s), the Silent Hill film wants to keep the eerie game-like feeling intact, and it does exactly this with some brilliant photography. A few times I even thought they had grained down the shots to make it feel like Playstation. Thumbs up!

I was expecting the story to be a The Ring clone, and I was partially right. What’s up with horror movie producers and little, dark haired girls? How about a mad cow with nightmares that become real? No. Just little, dark haired girls drawing worrying pictures while sleeping. Even Freud would say: Yez. They doo haf some izzues.
An evil cow would scare the shit out of me.

It wasn’t as scary as it was eeky. You wanted to go ‘Yuck!’ more than ‘Shit, I think I soiled my pants’. But I did have some comments along the road that I just barely surpressed by biting my tounge.

First of all, just a comment to the mother of the adopted kid; chill. We’re in the 21st century now, just put the kid on valium and you won’t have to risk your life. Of course, she’ll be a drug addict for the rest of her life, but compare that to being the spawn of Satan and then do the math.

Second. Why do you enter a closed-down town in the middle of nowhere all alone, when you can call for help? 911, anyone? National Guard? The Police? CNN? 60 Minutes?
Okay, so the line is scrambled. Send an SMS text-message!

Third. When you know that something fishy, something fishy in a very evil way is going on, and you don’t have a shred of doubt that your daughter is more than you can handle, also in an evil way; why, oh, why, are you running around a toxic town, picking up clues to find her, risking your life and sanity every step of the way? Just curious.

Fourth. Gollum actually plays in this movie. He’s in there for just a little while, in the schoolyard after the airstrike alarm went off. Then he’s replaced by burning, mutated children. And it’s not really an airstrike, but I thought that the first time. I think it’s good they starred some quality actors.

Fifth of all, what’s up with the guy with the beak? I just wonder. How did he get his head stuck in a snowplow? All right, I can see that you’re pissed off, but if you insist on stabbing people, why not use some ordinary sized cutlery that you can handle? It’s not very manly to drag a sword around.

Sixth of all, doesn’t it seem slightly improbable that all you have to do to find the secret police records from the 1930s is to open a door? Have you ever seen an archive? Even the strange guy called Rufus, who’s spent all his life down there, can’t find it that fast. Rufus was not in the film, though.

Seventh of all, let’s say it like it was. They were Jehova’s Witnesses, right?

Eight of all, if all of this running around – the entire movie, in fact – was just to make mum bring the darkness into that church, why didn’t you just ask? Hmm? It’s a simple question.

Ninth, why do I have the feeling a little, dark haired girl is staring at me right now?

It was an entertaining flick, but nothing I’ll remember for years, or days, to come. Michael gave it a D+, but I think I’ll advance it to a D. Since I’m more into Resident Evil, and head over heals in love with Milla Jovovich, Silent Hill can’t compete, and I honestly think it is just a cash machine, except for those few who dared finish the game. But the movie served its purpouse for a couple of hours.

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