Jesus Blog!

[last updated 19th of October Year 06 AD]

Hi, my name is Jesus (on IRC just Gsus), and I'm a 14 1/2 year old ex-carpenter from the Middle East. Welcome to my little thumb of the web. If you are in favour of the Roman Empire, please leave.

Day 1

So I finally have my own weblog. Great! It's only for letting my brothers know what I'm up to when they're chopping wood. They are like so jealous of everything that I am and do. I try to tell them that they only need some ambitions in life.
I'm not going to end up like dad, he's a carpenter, even tho he's always trying to persuade me to follow in his shoes like my brothers. "Regular hours, son!" Yeah, like you could put Adventure in between 9 and 4 o'clock! But he's ok. I'm glad I didn't inherit his looks, tho. My brothers are all short and hairy.
Way to go, mum!

And I'm glad I wasn't cast out either. My mother told the priests that my biological father was an angel, and they actually thought she was on to something. On something is more like it. When daddy brings home that paycheck, he's an angel too, apparently..
Indeed I have a lot to rejoice about. I think I'll go do some rejoicing. Cya!

Day 4

My dad is bugging me about getting a job again. Gees, why can't he give it a rest?
If you are reading this dad, please lay off! I must follow my call. I'm just waiting for it now.
And I WILL NOT cut my hair.

Day 8

Judah checked out my weblog today. He said he didn't like it, but I'm sure he was lying. This is his personal message to the world: "I've got nothing to say to you."
Judah, my friend, you have the charm of a brick wall. But you've got quite good technical skills as to what the internet is concerned. Judah showed me google, this fabulous search engine. Said it was 'the only place you'll ever find god'. That's Judah for you, always so happy and warm. And he showed me how to use it. Did a test-run for 'Jewish princess'. Oh my:)

Day 10

So, dad cut my funding. Great. Says I've got to make it on my own. That he's severed our ties. Well, da, guess what happened to all of your ties?
.. Which brought me to the realization or revelation that I am now in need of a job. Tomorrow I'll apply for a job as stone-gatherer. Alot of stoning these days, and you can't expect the judicial system of our country to work if people don't have the time to carry stone for miles. I don't know why they can't use the same stones more than once, but nobody listens to me anyway.
Gsus out.

Day 11

The filthy romans have passed new legislation on our stoning just to draw more taxes. I can't be a stonegatherer, but a rockpicker, which is just so low. Picking up the stones the stonegatherers drops.
Romans stay out of this! This is our culture!

Day 13

Nevermind rockpicking! You can't believe what just happened! I was on my way into town to sell some olives for my mother (I know!..) when I met this group of fanatics. They pop up every now and then when people find a new Messiah.. which happens all the time nowadays. It's a real Messiah-mess, I can tell you.
But anyway, there was these guys selling 'Death to the Roman Empire' and 'Herodes is a horse' t-shirts and I was haggling with them when this Roman patrol arrived. It was like twelve of them. And they wanted to arrest us. All one houndred and eight of us.
Stupid oppressors..
Sometimes I wonder how such a stupid people ever accomplished something in the lines of conquering the known world. It's all in the ah-dministration, I guess.
Anyway, nobody got killed and the Romans asked us to disperse as they always do. That's when I met these fellows wearing original Romani ite domum! goat-skin jackets, when I was dispersing myself. That's "Romans go home!" for those of you who can't read latin.
They were all cool, the leader of 'em was called The Rock, so I introduced myself as Gsus, gee to the ess you know? and then they asked me to join them in Rock's boat the coming day-after-sabbath. Can't wait to rock that boat:)
Gsus out.

Day 14

I've decided to become a hairdresser.
God gave me long, curly hair for a purpouse.
..Wish me good luck! I'm on my way to tell Daddy.

One and a half year later

Szoo. It's been a long time since I updated this blog lol but I have vbeen working out with my stopid brothers. They're alwayz going on about timber lol and woodshops, and I'm like: dudez, you need some perspectives in life.

My stepdad didn't let me cut me hair like I alwayz wanted to, but I've outgrown that shit now. I'm more mature. I'm not 14 anymorez, lol, I'm like 14 and a half. So I wear my hair long now, and Maria Magdalena (she's really cool ya kno) showed me how I could use like nails from my dad's workpalce to curl my hair just right. That's like really cool, and I guess it changed my life too.

I wanted to tell you guys and guysettes about this family trip NOOOOO! I know what you're thinking. But it's the fucking romans dudes, they want us all to subscribe to this newsletter so we've to get into town and sign with our names and shit. Luckily they put it to the Easter holiday, so my dad was all like whoppee! since we could go and sacrifce some pigeons in the tepmle.
Btw my neighbour Judah told me how you could tie a string to their feet, yeah, and then pretend to let them go, and the stopid birds are like wow shit I'm like free now, yeah, and then they're not and we kill them. He's fucking hilareous when he's been on the bottle.

Easter. It's so fucking fake. You know Moses and the guys, I have realll respect for them since they're like We know what we're doing, right, and gave the Egyptans their finger and I respect that. So like it's so fake and stopid with my parents and stuff. They totally forget that Moses was like in the desret. I mean, he was right there, you know. And it's the sun and the sand, and the sand gets everywhere even in your hair and your eyes, not like here in Palestine, and you're like Why God Why?! lol and my parents are like; well it was god's will and stuff. Like it just happened by itself. Yeah right.

But Moses was like, you know, tough. They didn't have nothing to eat for fourty years and still they managed to build a cow of gold. And moses sold it and bought some food, because he really cared.
Like you can drag that cow around anywhere you want, but it's going to scare away all the things you can kill to eat. They will ssee the reflection of the sun and run away. So he was like a survivor.

Anyway. We're going there and I'm like; can't we take the road? but no, my mum nad dad think s that the roads are from hell and like not progress at all and I'm like yeah, but you can't stop it, and they just pray for my soul. So we're going by donkey and that takes like TWO WEEKS! so it might be quiet here for a while now.

But if i can find some internet axes i'll let you know whats up.

One week after that

we're like in the middle of the desert now, and t's like I'm pissed of!!1
wtf it was this hooligans they were just like cruising on the road, and we're going by donkey and they were like moonin' us and shit shouting: LMAO OMFG ROTFL! like we weren't the same race or anything. So I understand now som of what my dad thinks about the romans, you know that it isn't all progress cause they forget who they are and everyone thinks like Rome is phat and we're like going to be romans.

So we're bonding, ya kno. but I still wish we'd take the road cuz its so faster.
fuck i gotta go before they find out I'm spending their money ehre.

Inspired by Monty Python, the Very Real Diaries and PW Zapffe
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