There are looming clouds over Oslo city these days, and not in the fairy-tale metaphorical sense. There are no evil dragon or foreign emperor who wants to obliterate everything alive for some stupid, shiny relic, like a magic vase with mysterious inscriptions. Or flower decoration. I’m talking forecast here, serious kick-ass weather. Well, it’s not serious yet, it’s just looming. Not really looming either. It’s almost summer now actually. Today is the hottest day so far this year. Which in turn affects my sleep somehow.
I can’t get any.
Which is why you have all the crap blogging from my part lately. Sorry.
So I was lying in bed the other night trying really hard not to sleep in order to fall asleep by exhaustion. Didn’t work and never does. I’ve been having bad sleep since they changed to daylight saving time. So instead of following nature’s own rhythm I’ve got two extra hours of light every morning that I spend in a coma. Weird dreams and oddly sexual fantasies. Like driving a car real fast? You know the drill.
Anyway. Lying in bed the other night not sleeping at all, one of my co-habitants returned home from a wet evening bringing her bf with her. Good lord, did I know what was coming.. I know, I know, you’ve heard it all before but the fun never stops:
«…around midnight when one of my co-habitants returned home. I knew she had just completed her exams and lo and behold! there she was clinging to her boyfriend like a giggling little gnat. I guess she thought she deserved a hard’un afore Christmas.»
I love it when I can just quote myself instead of saying something incriminating.
Thing is I really needed to take a piss. In lack of anything to do besides reading for my upcoming exams I drank a lot of water to pass time. Procrastinating. I also read all the horrible headlines from current events on the BBCnews website:
- UN on the food crisis – You might not believe it, but Norwegian shop owners are stockpiling rice… RICE?! As if rice had anything to do with it. In Norway. A.k.a the richest country in the world per capita. Around these parts Marie Antoinette’s famous quote is common sense.
- My Father Held Me Imprisoned as a Sex Slave For 24 Years…and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
The Austrian people is AMAZED that this thing COULD HAPPEN, like, right over there. What? You mean like, this case as opposed to ALL the other cases!? Seriously though, the grave circumstances are beyond comprehension.
- AT&T means the internet will clog due to youtube – Heard it before. And it’s not true. I call Elmer FUD.
.. It sounds like a foolproof plan doesn’t it? But around bedtime (and long overdue) my body just decided that Water? Fuck, we can do without! And the bathroom is situated embarrassingly close to the bedroom in question, where OOOhhhs! and AAahhhs! had already commenced. At this point I was already erecting colossal architecturally ingenious water fountains, water mirrors and world-spanning aqueducts in my mind.
Situations like these require some thinking outside the box.
At first I thought of tossing midgets around, and it was fun for a while, but not all that constructive. I had just been to the toilet, a physical act which I knew had been registered by said female & companion. This meant I could not go back right away unless I wanted them to believe I was eavesdropping. On the other hand I can’t stand sleeping on a pissy mattress, regardless of what you internet people prefer. I’ve always been one for good personal hygiene and when I grow up I’m gonna be just like Michael Jackson. Consider the advantages: No skin cancer. But where could I go without arousing suspicion?
Well. I do live on the first floor..
A quick scan of the street to ensure no one was up and I could just direct the Yangtze river out the window.. No. Although the image was appealing there are two bus stops right outside my window, and I’d probably be charged for indecent exposure (to a bus packed with people) rather than just public urination. The former is a lot more serious both legally and socially.
I looked at my IKEA waste bin.
The fact that it was manufactured by IKEA made the prospect a lot more attractive. But I really like that waste bin despite its satanical origin. It has the international waste bin sign on it.. I thought about the internet, and how situations like these could easily be solved by ways of democracy. An IRC vote-off. Would you go into the waste bin? Problem is that IRC people would go into anything. Like their cats or their exhaust pipes, for instance. Then they would put out pics from their webcams. My webcam was in the cellar and it would be too much hassle.
I got a little side-tracked and started thinking about how water sports counter-factually presented a temporary solution. If you’re under the age of 18 think in terms of rafting or water skiing. If you’re over the age of 18 you will already have vomited. In any case it was counter-factual. It would require another person present or – if you’re under 18 – a boat and an ocean. I stopped thinking about oceans.
I stopped thinking in general. I just hadn’t realized I was asleep already.